I am annoyed at things happening that have happened before. They have happened before, and I didn't like it then, and I don't like it now. I am annoyed that I am allowing them to happen, and I am annoyed that they are happening in general, in equal measure.
No me gusta mi vida.
Here are things I am thinking about doing, in no particular order. That means this list is a combination, because the order of the items on the list doesn't matter. If it mattered, it would be a permutation. And if I make irrelevant references to math while blogging, it means I'm really studying, not wasting time. Genius!
What now do? I this now do:
1. Dropping the stupid women's studies roughly disguised as psychology class. I know about gender and body image and the patriarchy already. Also dropping the American Government class taught by the conspiracy theorist who offers opinions rather than facts, ends every class early, and spends more time bashing the American political system than actually explaining how it works. I stand to gain exactly nothing from these classes, except an increased amount of disgust for my school and its lax hiring policies in terms of instructors.
2. Getting the broken capillaries on my face zapped with lasers. I waste a shit-ton of money on things that are bad for me. Why not waste a shit-ton of money on something that will put me in a slightly better mood and make me look less like a sea-hag?
3. Stopping reaching half-arsedly for the stars in terms of transferring schools. The University of the Incredibly Common is good enough for most people. It's probably good enough for me. Nancy-fancy-pants University is definitely good enough, but do I really want to spend the next two years going into debt, hating my peers and shlepping up to the burbs just so I can say I went to a Big Ten school? Well...sort of. It would be a nice fuck-you to everyone, everyone ever, to be able to say yep, that's where I went. I went to the smart people's school. I'm better than you and I have a piece of paper to prove it. Suck it, world. That's a pretty fucking slim justification, I guess. Wow, I can impress people who are impressed by stupid shit like where you went to college. That's some validation that will totally fix everything. Psssht.
4. Taking the SAT. I'm not thinking about that, I'm actually doing it. In a month. Gah. I'm not concerned about three quarters of it. I know from words. I know how to barf out a paper in half an hour. I know what you fucked up on purpose in that paragraph, and I know the words to put in the blanks. But the math...well, two different tutors and at least two hours of studying every day should hopefully stop me from completely messing it up. I hope.
5. Saying nice things to myself. In that stupid women's psych class that I hate, one of the students was talking about how her aunt would make her go to the mirror and tell herself she was beautiful every night before bed. It reminded me of Aibilene in "The Help", telling Mae Mobley she was kind and smart and important and having Mae Mobley repeat it so she'd know it and believe it all the time, forever. Every day. I spend every damn day telling myself I'm fat and stupid and lazy and ugly and old and pathetic...and I pretty much believe it. Aaaaand I am quite often abjectly miserable. I am, quite frankly, sick of hating myself. So I think I'll try saying something else to myself. I don't think I'll believe it right away, maybe I'll never believe it at all. But if I just say it, this new thing, maybe it'll stop me from saying all that other stuff. The fat-lazy-ugly-stupid-old-pathetic stuff. I want that to stop. I am done with that. I don't know about loving myself, but I sure am sick of hating myself.
6. Starting different, separately located, NEW therapy. I like Shiny Loafers Girl. I think she is good for me for quite a lot of things. I don't think she is equipped to deal with some of my specific things, however. I think I need someone who just deals with Iphy's Specifics. Hopefully I can go in and see that person for maybe a year and then have enough skills of my own to deal with those Specifics by myself. We shall see.
7. Doing less stuff that I'm supposed to do and more stuff that I want to do. Drop two classes that I hate and am annoyed by, have to step down off the moral high ground of "I'm someone with a full course load who still works full time, la la la, look at me, I'm special", but be less tired, hate everything less, have less fits of angry exhausting rage-y sobbing, and maybe have the time to do things I actually like. Wow, that was a poorly constructed sentence. Good thing it wasn't part of an SAT essay.
At the very least, if I drop those damn classes, I won't have to face-palm every five minutes over the stupidity of the professors. I'm a little concerned that if I do actually commit to dropping those classes, I will feel like THIS:
a. Buhhhh, now I have two more "dropped" classes listed on my academic history. But my academic history is not my transcript, and the schools I am applying to will never see those "dropped" classes, they will just see the courses I completed and got A's in.
b. Mrrrr, it turns out I am not a magical wonder woman who could carry a full course load and do her job really well and work full time and carry on all her favorite pursuits and be happy as well. Now no one will say "You're crazy and I admire you for being able to deal with your taxing schedule and while I pity you, I am also impressed by you." Boo, I suck.
c. Dagnabbit, now I'm not a full-time student. No U-Pass for me.
d. Mmmmmmph, now those stupid professors that I hated will think I quit their classes because they were too academically challenging for me. If I stayed and got A's in those classes, after receiving said A's, I could send those professors impolite and snotty e mails explaining exactly why they were total morons who should not be allowed to teach anyone, anything, ever. Three more months of misery is totally worth the opportunity to send snarky e mail! TOTALLY!
e. Grrrr, now I can't be on the President's List when I clock a 4.0 for the spring semester. Mind you, they haven't posted the 4.0 I had for the fall semester yet, so it's not like I'd even be around to see the stupid list anyway.
f. Quitters never win and winners never quit. I don't believe that AT ALL. I think that phrase is part of what's fundamentally wrong with America. Quitters who realize they're better at and happier doing something besides whatever it is they're quitting are totally winners. Winners who win and then step down graciously and go on to do other, different things are, in a sense, quitting, but they are still winners, are they not? And why the fuck does it make you a winner if you continue to do something that you hate doing, that you probably shouldn't have decide to do in the first place? I feel like Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes when he joins the baseball team under duress, gets hassled by the other kids because he sucks at baseball, and then gets called a quitter by the coach when he stops playing. Except I am not only Calvin, but also the other kids, and the coach, all at once. Boy, is it ever crowded in my brain.
I was going to work on this paper I have to write about Sappho, or this other paper I have to write about Hamlet...but whatevs. I needed to say this stuff and now it is said and we can all go on our merry ways, whistling jaunty tunes.
