A Party You Don't Want To Go To

Here are some things that I don't like.

1. Looking at pictures of myself performing.
2. Looking at videos of myself performing.
3. Talking to people about my performances.
4. Taking compliments or feedback about my performances.
5. The way I look in my costumes.
6. The way I look in general.
7. My lack of self-control.
8. My amazing ability to eat everything in sight and pack on pounds at a rate of knots.
9. How much time I spend thinking about how I look and what I eat and how much I suck because of those two things.

This week, instead of eating, I will do other things. Here are some other things I will do.

1. Practice. For hours and hours and hours. Practice until everything is perfect every time. There's nothing like setting achievable goals.
2. Work with my diabolo. It makes me happy and stops me from thinking too much.
3. Drink water. Even though fish fuck in it.
4. Read children's books in Spanish. I have to start remembering all the stuff I've forgotten from last semester before fall classes start, and perusal of libros infantils en espanol (yes, I know I missed the accents marks. Shut up,) is a good way to do that.
5. Go running. Because giving myself shin splints and destroying my knee cartilage will definitely distract me from the heft of my thighs.
6. Sew and glue sequins on things. It's hard to cram food into your face when your fingers are covered in E-6000.
7. Make lists of all my wonderful, wonderful qualities that are not reliant on having no cellulite and fitting into a size four. Although someone my height should be a size two. Which I'm not. And never will be, because I'm a lazy, fat, greedy slob who can't control herself. Oh, am I digressing? Sorry.

Here is the first of those lists.

1. I am good at spelling.
2. I can type quickly.
3. Children like me. They would probably still like me if I was fatter than I am.
4. I read a lot. People seem to think this is a good quality to have.
5. I am a good student. I might not be the smartest, but I am usually the hardest-working.
6. I have an excellent collection of jewelry shaped like violent things.
7. I am a good writer. You may disagree with this, but I am going on what various professors have told me, so while I may suck balls at blog creation, I'm apparently quite good with essays.
8. I'm good at picking act music.
9. I will probably never make you feel bad about yourself.

That last point gives me pause. I might be Positive Fucking Patty and build your sense of self-worth all the way the kingdom come, but when it comes to myself, it's all put-downs and loathing, all the time.
As evidenced by the previous exercise. People who like themselves don't need to make lists of their positive attributes. I wouldn't say I'm throwing myself a pity party, per se. More of a disgust party.

Which ends now. If I can't think anything nice about myself, then I'm not going to think anything at all. If anyone needs me, I'll be practicing diabolo.