This week has been every kind of blah. There are many things to blame for this, but the upshot of it all is, I need to think about all the things I work so hard at distracting myself from. This came to my attention after a teary outburst with Forthright last weekend. His brutal honesty is helpful up to a point, and then it just makes me angry. If I don't want to deal with my issues with my parents and my eating disorder and my lack of direction in life and my lack of fiscal responsibility, then dadgummit, I'm not going to. Real mature, Bradley.
Here are some things that attract my attention at the moment.
Thing 1: Raw meat. I've taken to ordering my burgers rare and then only eating the patty. These days I like my steaks oozing blood, preferably just waved over the grill once or twice. I also discovered kitfo, an Ethiopian version of steak tartare. It's spicy and when freshly served, resembles a small brain of some kind. I may be turning into some sort of zombie.
Thing 2: Reading about dictatorships. I think this stems from the History 216 unit on Latin American tyrants who caused mass exoduses from various nations. Trujillo and Fidel and Pinochet and those fabulous Somozas. The Critic leant me a book of interviews some Italian journalist did with a bunch of deposed dictators. Idi Amin was mutha-fuckin' batshit keeee-razy, yo. Crazy to the tune of 300, 000 people dead or disappeared during his reign. It's amazing how incredibly awful humans can be.
Thing 3: Powder foundation as opposed to liquid foundation.
Thing 4: Considering actually trying to make a go of what I started out doing and got sidetracked from. I know that's obtuse, but said consideration is possibly one of the things adding to the blah-ness of this week, and I don't really feel like getting into it at this juncture.
Thing 5: Practising. Running my new single hoop act again and again and again and again. And working on that "Ring of Fire" thing. Also trying to do abs and lower body every day. I know hearing about someone's workout regimen is maybe up there with watching paint dry, so I haven't really been talking to anyone about it, but I think things are looking a little better. Hey, I didn't start this entry with a paragraph of self-loathing body-related babble, did I?
I'm writing this paper about literature affecting the formation of culture as well as reflecting it. I want to light myself on fire every time I think about it, mainly because it's not done yet and I wish it was, but it's got me thinking. Could this word-vomit have some impact on how things are going to turn out? Could it help me figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do next? At this point, anything would be preferable to this hot mess of indecision.
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