I wish I could have talked to him. He had skin where his right eye should have been. You could see the outline of his eye socket through it. I wanted to go up and touch it and tell him about all of the things in me that are broken and it's not fair because I bet he's totally normal but probably some people treat him like a freak, and here I am, fundamentally, profoundly damaged goods, wrapped up in a nice little normal shell, ripe for friendly approaches and no untimely staring. But it was crowded and I was hustling for tips and he was busy being all Marine-y with his friend. They were so cute in their shiny jackets and white pants.
The crazy came back. I stopped taking my meds, not really on purpose, just sort of inadvertently. I didn't mean to, I just kept forgetting, and then nothing bad happened, so I just stopped altogether. And then today I couldn't make the online psych program work and started to cry in the library. The day pretty much went downhill from there. I know I'm supposed to be fighting the stigma against mental illness and accepting it for what it is and making lemons out of lemonade and all that shit, but if I'm honest...I really, really wish I didn't have to deal with this depression rubbish. So often, I find myself wanting to throw my hands up and moan, "Why me?" I know the answer is really, "why not me?", but that's cold fucking comfort, my friend.
This evening I wanted to excise myself from my body. Like when they cut out a melanoma. I wanted someone to take a scalpel and very carefully remove my personality. Then they could take someone else's temperament and thought processes and graft them into my shell. Everyone would win and this stupid, pathetic, lazy, mediocre, boring, weak, melodramatic, self-pitying piece of shit I call a character would end up in the hospital incinerator.
Funny thing is, I don't actually feel like that now. It's weird how all that just comes and goes.
I think you give yourself too little credit, and that for what you seem to be finding yourself dealing with on a day to day basis you're handling it quite gracefully. And yes, the elusive, intangible "it" all comes and goes, but it comes, and that's the crux of the matter no matter how fast it goes away- and you can't really scalpel that out.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you know that your personality is made up of everything- including the "stupid, pathetic, lazy, mediocre, boring" etc. etc. parts. You leave those behind, you're not yourself anymore. I don't think you should leave any of it behind. Don't mistake the pursuit of "betterness" as a failing in your current character. Don't forget about the talented, driven, strong, humorous, friendly, parts of who you are either.
I know you're way better than you might believe yourself to be.
Forthright, how did you find this blog? Does that secret government job of yours give you special internet stalker powers?
ReplyDeleteYes. I have special internet stalker powers.
ReplyDeleteI think the real question you should be asking is... Who wants a body massage?